In the distant past I sometimes took pen in hand and attempted to write poetry. Friends who read some of it urged me to stick with Astrology. I don't know why. :) Would you read as much as you can stand and let me know if their advice was valid or not? [Warning: Reading this "poetry" could cause alarming side effects. If symptoms persist for more than an hour, call your local poet laureate for help and treatment.] Send any comments HERE. Thank you.
RelativityHow large is the elephant,
How tiny the little mouse;
How small a water hydrant
Compared to a grand house.
I often dream in darkest night
A vision indeed so fearful;
Hurriedly I turn on the light
And call out in a voice tearful.
This image haunting my dreams
Almost every darkened night
Shows the Universe, it seems,
A dust speck in a beam of light.
It's floating in a castle there
Where a giant, with uncertainty,
Is wafting a handkerchief in air--
About to sneeze us into eternity.
Home on the RangeA home in the city's just fine,
A home in the country's better;
At home on the range's devine,
Each can be perfect to a letter.
I'm not hard to please you know
So long as my love, bless she,
Has stove with burners aglow
On the range, cooking for me.
She Is What?I wouldn't say she's a tad fleshy
Or a tiny little bit overweight;
Nor would I say she's just stout,
Or suggest that she once overate.
Such terms are polite in a way,
But it's more accurate to say:
The plain, simple truth is that
She is, in fact, just plain fat!
A Place in HistoryYes, I think, my friend,
You'll go down in history.
That much I know, my friend;
How FAR down's the mystery.
In a BuzzHush a minute! I'm in a buzz.
This legal jargon confuses me.
If "doer" is the one who does,
Is the other party the "doee"?
On KissingCome, my fair precious love
Singing like a sweet dove,
Whose eyes are a clear pool,
Please hear this love fool.
Pray, fair one, do be mine;
O, my head spins as of wine.
Come, let us fly away
On this happy, blissful day.
Then we'll embrace warn.
I'll tenderly hold your charm
In my loving broad embrace.
We'll then one the other face.
Dodging noses we'll smile;
Put mouths together a while.
Gramps Got CrampsGramps got bad cramps, yea;
He's had them the entire day.
Had cramps all yesterday some
In hips, fingers and one thumb.
He says yesterday was painful
But today is more disdainful;
The cramps struck hard this time
In the small and large intestine.
NeighborsMrs. Smith is such a painful chore
When she elects to come to call;
Her conversations I just deplore;
I fear I will surely faint and fall!
Funny, I look forward to her visits;
Only wish she would call more.
She is so like you, Ms Lizzits,
And I just enjoy a brainless bore.
Hey, Hey, HeyHey diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport:
The cat goosed the cow
With a spoon.
A Hill of BeansThis could even sound odd
Or even a bit nonsensical;
Do not think I'm a big clod
Reacting totally whimsical.
But the important things
That have shaped my life
Are the awful "hill of beans"
And my ever-nagging wife.
Oh, the wife is too very real
"Hill of beans" only a saying;
Without them both I do feel
I could minimize my praying.
My "sweet" wife means well,
Yes, only "good" she means,
But her saying can go to hell;
I'm worth more'n a hill of beans.
Thanks for reading.
No BusinessBusiness certainly is not good;
They are losing lots of money.
It seems conditions could
Be somewhat more sunny.
They offer a unique service
But just nobody bothers
To use the superior services
Of the Home for Unwed Fathers.
Father's Table GraceSee that table by the wall,
The one formerly in the hall,
A solid round one with tiers;
Been in our family many years.
You may want it, sister dear,
But I am speaking, now hear!
Leave it there in its place;
That's father's table, Grace.
A Chilling DiscoveryHe arose from his bed of sleep
To prepare for the new-born day.
Sleepily about he did creep,
Dressing much in the usual way.
Opened the door then dashed out.
In the frigid air found by chance
That in haste, without any doubt
He'd forgotten to put on his pants!
Diet? No WayI don't wanna be a square,
That just never would do.
It's too much worry, care;
I'd lose all my friends true.
I don't wanna be a rectangle,
Being so is no good sport.
It would emotions entangle;
I could never be that sort.
I don't wanna be a triangle,
Then I'd look funny to all.
Uneven at every angle
I'd get stuck in the hall.
I just wanna be a round
So, let me eat my fill!
Let the calories abound;
I'll enjoy my life, I will.
With Love to BessieHere's to Bessie,
A singer, a swinger,
A real humdinger.
Cheers to Bessie Mae,
A singer, a swinger,
A true humdinger.
Toast Bessie Mae Mucho,
A singer, a swinger,
A genuine humdinger.
And, oh boy! What a kisser.
Never Find Another YouThe lonely lamb was sad indeed;
His mate strayed; what'd he do?
Helplessly he bewailed his need,
"I will never find another ewe."
The Christmas CardWhen months reach December
Christmas cards always abound.
During much of cold December
My Christmas "card" is around.
Don't get me wrong, my friend;
Never misunderstand what I say.
Christmas cards are fine to send
But how do you send one away?
This bad "card" of which I speak
Is my overweight lazy uncle Will
Who visits for more than a week;
You should see my grocery bill!
Cat O' Nine TailsYesterday a strange thing I saw,
Pointed of tooth, sharp of paw,
A furry beast -- black and white;
How strange, a very odd sight.
It stood only partly showing,
Both eyes gleaming, and glowing.
And when it stepped up a pace
Quickly to safety did I race.
Even today my courage fails --
Geez! That cat had nine tails!
Give Me a RingGive me a ring--ding-a-ling!
What a very thougthful thing
To give me a ring--ding-a-ling,
T'will make my glad heart sing!
Yes, give me a ring, please do;
It will raise my spirits, too.
My how nice, a ring from you
To show your love's still true.
So give me a ring--ding-a-ling,
Indeed a very worthwhile thing
To receive from you, a ring,
Or watch, or other costly thing.
Grecian Urn-ingsI don't favor reincarnation
But perchance I did return,
I hope to all tarnation
I am never a Grecian urn.
Being a pot's not that bad,
But it's like this, you see,
I think I'd get plenty mad
If anyone wrote an ode on me.
Katy Did?Katy did? You don't say!
Found out only yesterday?
Land o' Marbles! I wonder
You are certain it's not a lie?
In front of the preacher? No!
Much better she should know;
Truly nice ladies just never!
It's not proper; it's not clever
To toy with such an endeavor.
Ten years church pianist. Well!
Rock music? She'll go to hell!
Goodbye EthylOh, how I loved her so --
With my soul and all.
Her soft smile a glow;
I was at her every call.
I met her in the sunshine
Under skies of royal blue;
I wanted her to be mine,
And you would have too.
But I left her that sad day
After I overheard her say
Her total birth name, alas;
It's Ethylene Oxide Gas!
Are You Free Tonight?May I ask, my dear one,
Are you free tonight?
I know we can have fun,
If you're free, my delight!
"Thank you for asking me;
Feared I'd be home and weep.
No, I am not free, you see,
But I am unbelievably cheap."
The Family HardwareThey say my uncle is a nut
But he doesn't mind one bit,
For his wife is a machine bolt
And they make a perfect fit.
My first cousin is a lockwasher
And my nephew is a leafspring;
His father is a stainless cotter pin.
And me? I'm a corkscrew thing.
Perky Little LadySweet lady home from a meeting,
A simple meal she is now eating.
She works always to help others:
Clubs, groups, unwed mothers.
From whence comes your pep,
Stamina, the spring in your step?
Tell your secret; tell us now;
Your formula; do advise us how.
She promised the whole truth,
And pointed to bottles marked
Partly StrongBeverly Jane returned from a date
With a gentleman she'd just met.
Roommate asked how did he rate.
Bev replied she'd not answer yet.
"Hey, is he handsome, strong?"
Quizzed roomie Mary Elizabeth.
"He is handsome, I'll go along;
Only thing strong is his breath."
Birthday LollipopSee the little kid with a lollipop;
Birthday gift from mom and pop.
His birthday was a week ago;
He licks it everywhere he may go;
A large yellow one on a long stick.
My, look at him just lick and lick!
He's been at it well over a week;
Not one smear on his fat cheek!
His parents are the frugal kind,
But do you think they'd care, mind
If the kid were told he'd be happier
If he would remove the wrapper.
Not Worth KillingHe's not worth killing they said,
Surely he'd be worth more dead!
They snuffed him to aid mankind;
A burial spot they could not find.
Sadly every place they went
He created such a pungent scent
They were requested to turn,
And to promise never to return.
All were undecided where to flee,
But on one thing they did agree;
He was not worth killing, all said,
But he was worth even less dead.
Little Bo BeepLittle Bo Beep, blow your horn;
The cows are safe in the meadow,
But goats! on the Farm-to-Market!
They'll be run over by a fast driver.
Little Bo Beep, BLOW your horn!
Grandma's ShawlGrandma wore it so many years,
It covered shoulders and back.
On it were spilled many tears;
Trimmed in white, center black.
Good kindly lady, heart of gold,
Now departed; we miss you, too.
Much of your love has been told.
This shawl--our memory of you.
A unique treasure we value much,
And when winter winds blow bitter
It is warming to the very touch --
And fits so well in our Fido's litter.