OVER the years I have given numerous well-received lectures (many encompassing the same theme as this article) to various groups, clubs and other organizations. Attendees seem to enjoy the "cut-to-the-chase," conceptually-humorous approach for pinpointing the "essence" of each Sun-Sign's flaws, faults and foibles.
First, by a show of hands, a canvass is taken to determine the numbers present representing each sign. (Often this is not necessary because by prior request natives of each zodiacal sign are asked to sit in clearly-marked Sun-Sign sections -- which adds to the fun.) No sign, represented or not at the lecture, is denied its "fair" share of unabashed "roasting." Typically the program goes forth as follows.
"Ladies and gentlemen, be assured that all of you who have the good sense to be present are exceptions to any and all negatives I may mention about your personal sign. Remember, we will be talking only about those poor unfortunate 'others' -- including your offspring, inconsiderate mates, deadbeat relatives, imposing friends, gossipy co-workers, prying in-laws, troublesome neighbors and unreasonable bosses -- in effect, all those 'others' lacking the wisdom and good taste to be here with you outstanding folks on this special occasion. And whether or not you actually know those 'others'' Sun-Signs, you'll easily recognize them by my "no-holds-barred" descriptions as we cover each of the twelve signs. Most assuredly, all positive comments about your birth sign do apply totally to you." [Elbert Wade, PMAFA, notes: These statements apply as well to all you astute readers of this article!]
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"ARIES...domineering, pushy, bossy. You can't be content unless you are running things. Take directions or orders? Forget it! You'll gleefully run roughshod over anyone who by design or accident dares to stand in your way! Play the game your way or you'll snatch the 'ball' and run home. You must be 'number one' or you're out of it totally. Your photo is my dictionary's only definition for the word 'arrogance.' If you can't find a fight, you'll gladly start one. You initiate numerous projects but seldom finish anything. Wherever you've been resembles a disaster area! You never seem to learn that you can make others nervous, uneasy with your impatience, brusqueness and boisterousness. Indeed, not everyone wants to jump when you bellow.
"In sharp contrast however, all you Aries-born who're consuming this information are unquestionably natural leaders and innovators. The entire world's population looks upon you with a sincere admiration and profound respect. You all are deserving winners!"
"TAURUS...'greed' and 'gratification' should be your middle if not first names. If it appeals to insatiable appetites and addresses prurient interests, you will do whatever is necessary to possess it -- animal, vegetable or mineral. Constantly you seek to reward your five senses. Money and possessions dominate thoughts and rule lifestyle. If there is a profit in it, you'd evict your penniless and widowed grandmother! Work? You don't know the meaning of the word; you prefer others toil to provide for you. Move faster? Not you; you're too lazy ever to get in a hurry. Sloppy, messy, untidy -- you are these, and worse. Pity those who must clean up after you. Stubborn, bullheaded, unyielding. Wrong or right, once you've made up your mind nobody changes it. Others should beware triggering your explosive temper.
"However, you Taurus-born noting these statements are natural entrepreneurs, money-makers, and excellent managers. Your never-offensive but tenacious willpower guarantees you success, as well as all who follow your wise, gentle guidance."
"GEMINI...the zodiacal 'Twins' do not depict you sufficiently; however the butterfly -- as it flits first to one flower and then another -- better demonstrates much of your basic nature. Attracted to almost everything, very little of consequence is ever realized because you only 'skim the surfaces.' Split-personality, two-faced, double-dealing; these terms fit you well indeed. Others never know which of your many 'selves' they're dealing with. You awake in a different world daily, and march to the beat of the loudest drummer. By your account there's very little you don't know; however under fire, your mental dilettanteism fails to impress many. Communicative? You certainly are! 'Chatterbox' or 'motor-mouth' are ideal terms to describe you and that incessant babble that bores others to tears. Youthful? Yes, but when will you ever grow up and act like an adult?
"However, you Gemini-born now digesting this information are most intelligent, highly versatile -- and forever young. You're fun to be with at all times."
"CANCER...super, super sensitive. You can get your feelings hurt with or even without a good reason. Around you others are ill-at-ease because they never know what will set you off. People tire of those 'cry-baby' tactics often used to get your way. Family-oriented? Yes, but you expect to rule relatives through clever emotionally-twisted manipulations. Long-suffering, self-sacrificing, giving your all for the family? You bet, but you expect in return 'only' everyone's total dedication, complete love and ongoing admiration. One of your greatest joys is making yourself visibly miserable in order to cause others to feel indebted and obligated to you. Your love is the type which too often 'smothers' rather than uplifts.
"By sharp contrast, you Cancer-born individuals noting this revealing information are caring, loving persons whose talents for building family trust and security are sharply-honed. You never unfairly use emotion -- yours or others -- to take advantage, or to gain power and control for yourself. Everyone adores you because you're so comforting and unselfish."
"LEO...vanity -- no, you didn't invent it but you do own a very active global franchise! Too bad you're not nearly so important as you think. You demand to be 'center-stage' even when yours is only a 'walk-on' part; you expect applause, especially when it's not merited. All that hand-shaking and back-slapping you do is not motivated by any desire to make others feel important but instead to command their full attention and gain their indebtedness -- so they'll notice and praise you. Your apparent interest in others is a clever gimmick to cover your insatiable pride and self-interest -- and your strong desire always to be the focal point of attention. Generous? Yes, but you expect full 'payment' -- along with a hefty 'interest'!
"On the other hand, all you Leo-born friends who're learning these truths are indeed generous to a fault. You unquestionably deserve 'top billing' because you truly are talented individuals, and honest-to-goodness 'stars' -- each and every one of you."
"VIRGO...boring, trying, tiresome. Your nitpicking and putting everyone in their 'place' sometimes causes others to wish you'd just go away and never ever return. Folklore implies that elephants never forget; well, neither do you -- especially if it's something unpleasant from the past that you can dredge up and throw in someone's face. It's a given you had absolutely nothing to do with writing any books about winning friends or influencing others positively. 'Perfection' in the world is your goal, but you'd be well-advised to do a lot of work on yourself first! 'Genuine phony' is a term that aptly describes you when you chastise others for doing the unclean and sinful things you enjoy (and may indulge) as much as they. You actually relish sex but would never admit it -- certainly not to yourself. Your level of 'purity' probably is no greater than that of those you would 'shape up.'
"By contrast, all you wonderful Virgo-born who are consuming this communication have absolutely no connection with any of these negatives because you are, without question, close to perfect in every shape, matter and form."
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"LIBRA...equality, fairness and 'balance' are your primary watchwords, but to you they mean you want everything apportioned to others but only after you take what you want! In summary, you want to satisfy absolutely all your desires/needs first and then insist others share equally whatever may remain. Others dislike your tendency to 'sit on the fence' about so many important decisions. Making up your mind about just anything is next to impossible. Nobody knows which way you will lean eventually. Being other-persons-oriented too often means that you meddle shamefully and attempt to make other individual's private (and public) business your own. You may have certain 'artistic' tastes but some of the type others may not appreciate -- or even understand. Too often you will overstep authority and good taste with attempts to 'enforce' the rules/laws as viewed only by you.
"Considering the better side, all of you Libra-born who are availing yourselves of this eye-opening information are cut from a much better pattern. Above all else, true fairness is your way of life. You relate extremely well with all others -- no matter what."
"SCORPIO...vindictiveness is your everyday way of life. You almost never forget or forgive any wrong (actual or imagined) done you, and live for any opportunity to get even. Some people may even think of you as a 'snake in the grass' and go out of their way to avoid you -- and with good reason. Whether for the positive or negative you're a slave to habit; you're not inclined to make any changes at all -- even when you know that you should. Too often your thought and speech are 'X-rated'; you can 'twist' almost anything to give it a sexual or vulgar spin! Only you know what goes on in that mysterious mind of yours, and perhaps it's a blessing that others don't know or have the slightest inkling.
"But, you Scorpio-born natives learning about those 'other' Scorpios can ignore and forget all stated negatives for they certainly do not apply to you! You are caring and trustworthy individuals whose high morals and ideals are recognized by everyone you know as your lifelong 'trademark'."
"SAGITTARIUS...'bigger-than-life' is a euphemism for such expressions as 'unreal,' 'overblown.' 'unbelievable' and 'too-good-to-be-true' -- terms which tend better to describe you. You can't conceive the fact that 'forests' are made up of numerous individual 'trees' -- that details matter. Being bottom-line focused and end-result oriented is fine but you may need to know how you got there in case so-called good luck runs out. Being so aloof, detached, even unreliable, frustrates others because they never know if they can count on you during emergencies, or otherwise when you really are needed. Some regard your biting sense of humor as too far-out, often even hurtful. Others have difficulty determining when you are joking or being serious. Too often you promise 'miracles' but deliver nothing of the sort.
"However, you Sagittarius-born who are digesting this information are exceptionally fine individuals. "True-blue" in every regard! You brighten the lives of all who are fortunate enough to know you. Your 'IQ" is far, far above the average."
"CAPRICORN...worry, worry, genuine 'worrywart.' If there is nothing to worry about you worry why there is not! Unfortunately your worrying is contageous and tends to 'infect' those around you. Your negativism causes many to avoid you however and whenever possible. 'Slave-driver' (among other less-than-positive terms) is what those who provide you services call you when you're not around. Question: If you did smile would that 'hard-as-your-heart' face shatter into a million tiny pieces? 'Workaholic' describes you accurately. However, no matter what level of success you reach, it's never enough to satisfy or celebrate. Love, tenderness, understanding and compassion are words not defined or even in your 'dictionary.' Few people mean anything to you unless you can use them to further your success. Once they've served their purpose, you can discard them without a second thought.
"But, none of these negatives apply even slightly to any of you Capricorn-born who are dutifully furthering your astrological wisdom and understanding now. You all are compassionate and very loving. Your superior talents and abilities serve you and others well in all of life's experiences."
"AQUARIUS...When asked to give a meaningful description, those who know you well may use such expressions as 'weird,' 'strange,' 'peculiar,' unorthodox,' 'unpredictable' and 'one-of-a-kind.' It is so difficult to deal with you because others never know how you will think, act or react. Friends figure importantly but unfortunately you tend to gravitate to associates who are regarded by 'regular folks' as oddballs. Many of your acquaintances/friends may decline invitations simply because they never know which others you'll also include in whatever activities you plan. Friend-oriented? Yes, but seldom are you a totally reliable friend, as too many have learned. Since your motivations/objectives change so suddenly and frequently, yesterday's pals may not 'fit' today's requirements and interests.
"Fortunately, each of you Aquarius-born privy to this information do not 'fit' this somewhat less-than-positive mold. Yes, you truly are a good friend. There is nothing positive and constructive you would not do to help any deserving individual. Almost everyone likes and appreciates you."
"PISCES...poor confused 'fish'! And like those underwater creatures, you often tend to 'swim' mainly in whatever directions the ever-changing currents favor. Your ability to deal with reality is seriously impaired -- or unused. You tend to see the real world either through rose-colored or darkly-tinted 'glasses'; clear-view 'lenses' are foreign to you. Too often you come across as unreliable because of your 'wishy-washy' nature; this frustrates others who find that seldom can they count on you because you no doubt will change your mind/opinion when any given situation becomes critical. Living a fantasy life may be appealing to you but it exasperates those who would like to depend on (and help) you. 'Backbone' may be in short supply. One day you may learn you can't please everybody and at the same time be true to your own best interests and personal progress. Most of your artistic pursuits/creations may be impractical, and unmarketable.
"In clear contrast, all you Pisces-born who are carefully evaluating this discourse are, without doubt or question, realistically and in fact truly attuned to your real-life environment. Your accented talents are appreciated by a very receptive world."
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